BPD is curable……

Posted: August 23, 2013 in Uncategorized

I sat in that room this morning, as I have done every week for the past 61 weeks and heard the words…… 6 weeks to go. In 7 weeks time I wont be sat in that room, I will never be sat in that room again. My stomach knotted and my chest got tight, my eyes filled with tears, I was scared. What do I do when its all over? I have sat in that room every week for more than a year, learning, changing, laughing, crying. Those walls have heard my deepest feelings, thoughts and fears and in 6 short weeks it’s going to be gone. I’m back out in the big bad world on my own once again and as much as that scares me I have to admit…… I can’t fucking wait.

Because as I sat there this morning and my whole body filled with fear, it dawned on me…. this is the beginning.  I have worked my butt off and done everything I can for what feels like a life time just to get to this point, to get to the point where I am out in the world loving my life without feeling like I’m mental or I need help.

Recently I have tried to put into words so many times, actually how I am feeling and thus far haven’t been able to manage it. Right now my life seems so surreal, I am happy and content more often than I am not and let me tell you previously I have been able to use the word happy on occasion, but content? never. I have never been content, I think contentment has come with acceptance. Sometimes it’s like the old me is on the outside looking in at this brand new person with this brand new zest for life. I come across a problem and nine times out of ten I deal with it effectively. When I do, afterwards I find myself sitting back in shock asking “Did I really just do that?”  I can’t even tell you how many time recently I have said “If that had of happened a year ago, I’d probably be in crisis now.”

It’s like everything is just fitting in to place of it’s own accord, When I said this to my therapist she questioned it….. “What makes you say that zoe?” she said with a slightly knowledgeable look in her eye and smile on her face that was saying I’m am about to prove you wrong, but you know that don’t you? This of course scared me a little, not entirely sure what she was going reply with I nervously explained, and with everything I sad she had a reply as to why its not just ‘coming together’-

My children are so much better behaved-  That’s because you deal with them better, you don’t get as emotional therefore you are able to deal with them in wise mind instead of emotional mind and they will respond better to that.

I met a nice, well rounded guy who usually wouldn’t look twice at me- That is because you are a much more stable person and less vulnerable, the type of man you attracted before were the type that needed a vulnerable person. You can’t control and abuse someone who doesn’t allow you to can you? Also I don’t think that It’s not that the well rounded kind of person you mean wouldn’t look twice at you, It’s that you wouldn’t of noticed before or you would of thought he was taking the mick, even more so you used to think you were undeserving of somebody like that so you never would of given them the chance.

and the list went on….. I’m hardly ever scared to go out anymore, I seem to be as scared of people, I rarely argue with people, I don’t self harm, I haven’t been in crisis for over a year now and she had a reply for everything I said that basically showed me that my life isn’t just coming together my life is going in the direction it is because that’s the way I want it to go, I am in control of myself, I worked for this and now am receiving the rewards.

That doesn’t make it feel any more real though Or less scary for that matter, sometimes I feel lost because right now I am kind of in limbo I have the knowledge of how to make my life even better but don’ quite have all the practical skill to be able to do it right now but that will take some time, i know that and that’s OK. Also in my head, I am still that crazy girl who can’t deal with anything and destroys herself when things go wrong but I’m not that girl,I don’t act like that girl, my head still needs to catch up with me.

My recovery came in stages, I had to nearly die before I decided I didn’t want to die. Which in turn made me have to find an alternative way to to escape my life as it was. I went into DBT wanting to change but the fear of not knowing who I would become was overwhelming. But it was either that or die so of course I went for it. I was confused with all the skills and things that come with DBT I didn’t understand anything and was convinced several times that I was wasting my time and nothing could fix me, I got frustrated at many things that were said and the concept of some of the skill just seemed completely outrageous if I’m honest but again it was that or die so I carried on. Bit by bit I learned new coping mechanisms, I came across a few stumbles and relapsed several times but each time I did I got up faster than the time before and with a larger time period in between each one, each time……. and this is what happened.

Do I still have BPD? yes. But the day I was diagnosed I was given a death sentence, or so I thought…. most of the thing I had read told me it was incurable, that we were the most difficult patients, that we were manipulative and unhelpable. Then I found a lot of people on places like twitter and groups on facebook that told me different, I went to DBT where everyone told me different and I think somewhere deep inside of me I had to refuse that I was incurable but like I have said many times it was cure or die and I didn’t want to die but I couldn’t carry on living my life the way I was. I wouldn’t wish the feeling and thoughts that i had on my worst enemy.

The point to this is we an be helped, we can live our lives the way we want with a little shoved in the right direction and a lot of hark work. Do I believe that to a point I will always live with the problems and the memories and urges that BPD has brought me? absolutely but I am OK with that because I love my life, I love all the people in it, I have two beautiful children that make my heart race every time I look at their faces, although it’s early days I have started a relationship with the type of guy I only ever dreamed of and never thought I could have. I have the most perfect relationship with my parents and I am building for a future that I never in a million years thought I could or would or was able to to have. And brothers and sister that actually act like brothers and sisters and more importantly than any of this is I am terrified of all it but my god am I enjoying it. I am happy and content and so grateful to be alive and looking forward with a massive smile on my face and whether you have BPD or another mental illness or no mental illness at all, in the grand scheme of things, isn’t that what everyone wants?

My life is surreal right now, and I do still find it hard to imagine that it is me writing these words but I am and that makes me the luckiest girl in the world.

thank you for reading and more importantly thank you for those of you that have helped me get to the point that I can write something like this and it be true ❤

much love, Zo-Zo xx

here is a link for a documentary that has recently been  made about BPD, check it out… its very insightful!



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