The pattern is nearly broken…

Posted: July 18, 2013 in Uncategorized

I was the little girl who everyone thought had no future, I was the girl who was in care, I was the girl who was abused and neglected, I was the girl who was bullied, I was the girl who at 8 years old had to go to school on a psychiatric unit, I was the girl who had to bang her head off walls to get inside to be warm, I was the girl who had holes in her shoes, I was the girl who looked like a boy, I was the girl who sat in the corner of the playground on her own and cried everyday, I was the girl who at 9 years old tried to jump out of her brothers bedroom window because in that moment she wanted to end it all. I was the girl who was mental.

And then…. I was the teen who everyone thought had no future, I was the teen who lost one of the only people at that time she thought cared about her, I was the teen in care, I was the teen who was pushed out,  I was the teen who was bullied, I was the teen that didn’t wear the “right clothes”  I was the teen who had sex with people just feel close to somebody, I was the teen who drank and took drugs to forget all her worries, I was the teen who cut herself , I was the teen who took took an overdose because she just couldn’t cope anymore, I was the teen that was in abusive relationships, I was the teen who became pregnant. I was the teen who was mental.

And then…. I was the “adult” who thought she had no future, I was the adult who was in abusive relationships, I was the adult who was a single mum, I was the adult  who had sex with people because she couldn’t say no, I was the adult who cut herself, I was the adult who most people looked at funny, I was the adult who had no boundaries, I was the adult who had no self respect, I was the adult who tried her best to be a good mum but never felt good enough, I was the adult who had been trampled on and pulled down so far through out her life that she just didn’t know who she was, I was the adult who was in psychiatric hospital, I was the adult that tried so hard to get her life together but failed at every obstacle and didn’t have any fight left in her, I was the adult who thought every one around her would be better off if she wasn’t around, I was the adult who so desperately wanted to die, I nearly did. I was the adult who was more mental than ever.

And then…. I was a person who didn’t know where her future was heading, I was a person with a diagnoses, I was a person who was validated, I was person who who had more of an understanding why she felt this way, I was person who didn’t have the skills to change it, I was the person who still struggled with suicidal thoughts and with self harm, I was the person who still put herself in vulnerable positions, I was the person who realized she never wanted to die she just wanted to be happy and move on and be able to give her children the future they deserved. I was the person that doubted she was able to have that but hoped. I was the person who wasn’t “mental” I was a person with a mental illness and was on her way to getting help for it.

And now?…… I’m me, I’m still not a hundred percent sure  who that actually is but I know I am not any of the things above, they do not define me, they are not who I am. They are events and feelings, they are the past. I am recovering from a mental illness and beating it, I am recovering from the trauma of my past and letting it all go. I don’t want to die, I want to live. I have determination to create a good life and refuse to be in a position where that could be jeopardized by anybody. I’m no where near where I want to be with my life but it doesn’t feel so impossible anymore…  I have been doing D.B.T for a year and I have that and the support of my family and friends to thank for the place I am in right now. I am a woman who is not abused, I am a woman who does not cut herself, I am a woman who doesn’t need a man to feel good, I am a woman who is a bloody good mother, I am woman who has learnt so much. I am a woman who is happy and content most of the time. I am a woman who is willing to work her butt to the bone to make sure things stay this way and only get better.

I am a woman who DOES have a future!

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Comments
  1. Smoky says:

    This post had me speechless and in tears…… I can find myself, k sort of not in every single bit, but i can see myslef in ur post. And now, someone showed me, that it CAN,WILL get better. That I WILL have a future. I just have to keep going<3 xx Thank you<3

  2. I literally cant even tell you how much that means to me, I write my posts for two reasons, firstly because it help to get all my thoughts out and i love writing them down, secondly with the hope that it will reach and inspire somebody… even it is just one person, just a tiny bit. It can get better… I was in tears with my therapist this morning explain how I couldn’t believe that I was sat there, It is very surreal to look back to just over a year ago saying that therapy was pointless because i wouldn’t be around… very surreal… but definitely possible, never give up trying, it is sooo worth the hard work ❤ thanks for reading and commenting, really glad it helped a little 🙂 xx

  3. oh and sorry i made you cry lol xx

  4. annbish says:

    Your family and friends always knew that inside that terrified person there was a strength that needed to be harnessed xx somehow, I know not how!! YOU managed it Love you Zoe xx you are an amazing woman and an incredible human being xx Mrs B x

  5. ok this is ridiculous this is the 5th time in 2 days i have cried because of an emotion that isn’t sadness lol Thankyou mrs b, I don’t dont know how sometimes either but I do know that without you and my mum and a few other people I NEVER would of found that strength. I’m still finding it very surreal to be feeling the way I am, Its gonna take some getting used to lol x

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