It sucks….

Posted: April 20, 2013 in Uncategorized

I think everybody at some point sits back , put their hands in the air and says this sucks! (or words to that affect) that is exactly what I’m doing right now, only I’m shouting it as loud as I possibly can with every ounce of sadness, bitterness, anger, loneliness, heartache, head hurt, shame  and anxiety I have inside of me.

I can be as positive and upbeat as the next person, I can sometimes see the positives from the negatives or at least make some up and convince myself they are true. I can wake up in a morning and think about what an amazing future I’m going to have, sometimes I believe it, sometimes I don’t but either way it usually gets me through the day. I’m brilliant at seeing the good in other people and being their rock but not so great at it when it comes to me. I write my blogs and usually towards the end I’ve found something new, profound or inspiring to say….. not today!

Today all I want to say is…This sucks! mental illness sucks, the way I feel sucks, sometimes….. life sucks!

I have cried everyday for at least a week, I have have probably had about 7 hours sleep in as many days, I cant remember the last time I had a shower or brushed my hair (I know, gross) I cant remember the last time I ate a proper meal, I cant remember the last time I smiled a really genuine smile, my house is a mess and I have a pile of washing the size of Kilimanjaro. My daughter has been taken to school by someone else a few times this week and the couple of times I have taken her we have been late. I’ve had numerous panic attacks and passed out twice (that I know of) and a nice little trip to hospital because of this and walked out of hospital… because of this. I’m battling with dangerous urges and impulses on a daily basis (I’m winning). I have knots in my stomach and a lump in my chest that does not seem to want to go away at all, no matter how much I try and make it, or distract myself from it…. I’ts here to stay. I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to see anyone or even talk to anyone….. All I want to do is hide away in a dark room and pretend the rest of the world doesn’t exist…..Instead I do what I can and bluff the rest….. IT SUCKS!

The point of this post isn’t to get people to feel sorry for me or anything like that, quite honestly, right now, I couldn’t give a fuck if you do or you don’t (no offence) …. The point of this post is quite simple, I cant be happy go lucky all the time, no-one can. I can pretend to be (I’m actually really good at pretending) but I don’t want to always pretend, I’m sick of pretending. I want to be able to say I’m not OK without being scared that the men in white coats are waiting for me (They are not always men and they never wear white coats but you know what I mean). I want to not be ok without scaring anyone AND scaring myself. I want to be able to say I’m not OK and that be OK. I want to be able to say I’m not OK without being told that I should snap out of it and focus on the positives in my life… I already know all that shit. I just want to be able to say THIS FUCKING SUCKS! and not feel bad for saying it.

The main point for this post is that people with mental illness, what ever that may be,  they suffer. The whole point in my blogs are to share an honest journey of my recovery in mental illness…. It wouldn’t be very honest if I wasn’t completely honest now would it? This is  the reality of it sometimes and prettying it up is unhelpful.

Also, A few people know I’m not doing great but one of the problems I have is actually saying what is wrong or exactly how I’m feeling, I’m really not a good talker but I can actually do this when I write…..so I guess this is for them too…. It’s better than a Zo-Zo that cries and stumbles over her words and never actually gets out everything she want to say.

I’m sure at some point I’ll be fine as I always end up being but right now, right in this moment…. It sucks.

“I’m doing my best right now but your best can always be better”

Thanks for delving into my misery with me.

Good night.

Zo-Zo xxx

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