Having an unstable sense of identity…… Who Am I?

Posted: December 14, 2012 in Uncategorized

If you ask me what type of person I am… I can’t answer or if you asked me more than once the answer would be different each time…… the truth is I don’t know who I am! As a lot of people with BPD don’t.

I have done some research into the reasons for this and to be honest i didn’t come out with much, just theory’s and educated guesses….. which is better than nothing I guess.

According to Marsha Linehan you develop identity by observing your own emotions, thoughts, and feelings, in addition to others’ reactions to you. If you have BPD and the associated emotional instability, impulsive behaviors, and black and white thiking you may have difficulty forming a coherent sense of self because your internal experiences and outward actions are not consistent.

I also read something that stated your sense of self can come from other peoples reactions and opinions toward you… until i read this I had the uncertain belief (i’m never certain about anything) that if people push their opinions of you on to you for long enough you will start believe it… So if you come from an invalidating or abusive background and you are told constantly your are a bad person, you are stupid or you deserve to have bad things happen to you etc You will start believe it…. Especially if we don’t have any strong enough evidence to prove us otherwise, so we bring this into our adulthood. I have recently been looking to go back into education and am having this constant argument in my head as to whether I should or not… on the one hand I really want to better my life, I want to make something of myself… for myself and especially for my children’s futures… i want to aim high  and why shouldn’t I? the problem is when I ask this question in my head “Why shouldn’t I”? all i hear is…. because you cant do it… you aren’t clever enough… you will fail…. you don’t deserve it… that’s why you shouldn’t.

The truth is, I just don’t know…. I don’t know if i am clever enough the good and safe people I have around me now say they think I am… when I was a child I was naturally clever, I was bright. Maybe underneath all these warped opinions of myself there is still that intelligent being trying to get out.

Obviously self Identity goes beyond levels of intelligence and such like but that is the example that stick out for me right now… but If you adapt this to any thoughts of yourself you can get the gist.

I don’t know about other people but i find y confusion about who I am shows in my appearance…….If you looked at me you would believe I had a strong sense of identity, I have piercings in my face, a few tattoos, my hair is usually a different colour every month and my dress sense tends to match this look… my look has definitely gotten stronger over the past couple of years, I used to look very different on a day to day basis…. one day i would look like a massive chav, the next I’d look like something that had been dragged from a grave yard so I think I  am more comfortable with the way I look now but that doesn’t deter from the fact that I don’t look like I do because I have a strong self of identity… I look like i do because I’m trying to find what makes me unique… what differentiates me from others and I cant find this within my personality (because I don’t know my personality) so it comes out in my look.

I have previously asked people there honest opinions of who they think I am or what personality qualities I have and they usually all say similar things but usually no matter what they say (especially if its something positive) I just don’t see it, occasionally I do. If someone tells me I’m pretty I laugh because I don’t look in the mirror and see pretty. if someone says I’m clever, I frown because anything I’ve ever tried to do that requires intelligence i’ve failed at… I could keep going all day.

I think about the people that spent years dragging me down and telling me how shit I am and think “well they cant all be wrong.”

But what if they were? What if I am pretty? What if I am clever? What if I am funny? and all the other positive possibilities?……… What if I am wrong? And I’ve been wasting time because of self doubt rather than fact… and still sat here wasting opportunities, wasting a possible future.

This brings me no closer to finding myself.. I wish more than anything I could see what other people see, just a glimpse of a true self… I don’t know If I ever will ever find myself or my purpose, I don’t know what i’m capable of, I don’t know if ill I’ll succeed in anything, I don’t know if i can make a difference, I don’t know if i deserve to………. I do know, if I don’t try I’ll never know.

I don’t feel like I am in a Position to give advise, but I want to say that no matter what it is you doubt or it is you ‘don’t know’ don’t let the fear hold you back, Give it a go, you might surprise yourself… surely just trying something even if it doesn’t work out has got to be better than doing nothing and you might just find yourself along the way.

Thankyou for reading 🙂

Zo-Zo xx 


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