Difficulty in making and maintaining relationships.

Posted: November 23, 2012 in Uncategorized

I’ve been sat here on and off for a couple of weeks now completely baffled as to what to write for this criteria. I feel that this is the most complex and confusing out of all the criteria simply because I think this is a problem made up from all the other criteria.

I’ve been trying to plan this out so it makes sense and in some sort of understandable format but uIn my head its all so intertwined and overlapping that I don’t think it’s going to make any sense but I’m going to try anyway (maybe that’s my BPD talking).

One of the things that cause us problems is our intensity of emotions, it can make it very hard for other people to bare. If we are mad, we are really mad. If we are sad, we are really sad, if we love, we really love too! And as with all of our emotions it is so intense and yes of course this can also cause us problems but  If you find the right kind of person to love with such intensity that wont take advantage of that then surly it makes it so much easier to enjoy and to overcome the negative feelings you have. When I love and I can show that love in its full capacity, I love with every single part of my being! I will worship and put you on pedestal,  I will do whatever it takes to make you happy, I will do anything for you, I will take care of you even though i can barley take care of myself , I will treat you like are the only person in the whole world and that you are the most special person in the whole world and ill believe it too! I personally would love to be loved like this….. so for the person on the receiving end, it cant be a bad thing…. can it?

Of course as with everything in BPD this in itself comes with its problem, the higher you hold someone the harder the crash is when they turn out not to be as perfect as you thought…. as everyone knows, no-one is perfect!

I think this is where the ‘black and white thinking’ causes problems (see previous blog on black and white thinking)

I think for me personally the greatest problem I have in relationships is my opinion of myself as i think it probably is with a lot of people with BPD. On the odd occasion I have found somebody decent I’ve pushed them away, I’ve doubted their intentions because of my own insecurities often asking why someone so nice or decent would want to be a part of my life …. why would someone that good love or even like someone like me? or frequently telling myself that I don’t deserve people being nice to me or treating me with respect…..

I’ve been in several destructive relationships and not left as soon as realized how bad things were…. when you are told so often that you will never do any better, your a no-body and will never amount to anything or you deserve whatever abuse is thrown at you… you start to believe it, especially when you’ve been told this for the best part of your life… you end up just taking any affection you can get even if it is at the cost of your self respect and dignity, that’s if you had any in the first place but sooner or later you pay the price and eventually realize that its just not worth putting yourself through it… doesn’t stop you doing the same thing with the next person though.

Another problem I have come across is people trying to ‘save me’ or make me happy or change me, I’ve lost a few people because of this…..They put so much effort into making you better and when they don’t succeed  it hurts them or they get frustrated and angry (I have to say I can understand this, I have spent so much time trying to force myself to be happy and better, it hurts when I haven’t and I get frustrated and angry with myself) but now i think i have finally accepted that this is how I am and I understand the reason why and am steadily taking step to improve it……. If people that have relationships could do this, this wouldn’t be a problem… BPD doesn’t just go away because something good happened or something made you happy, It just doesn’t

I have a perfect example of something really small but turned out to be quite a big deal…. I went out for a weekend with some amazing people and had an absolute blast, these people are Fantabulous, you cant help but smile when your around them. I had such an amazing time that when it was over and I went home, I was miserable, I was so down, being back in reality hit me like a ton of bricks! I missed smiling and laughing and having the affection I’d had for two days… I cried for hours, I ended up having suicidal urges and self harmed… I didn’t know why I was so upset at the time and felt so ungrateful that I’d had a such a brilliant weekend and was now miserable… and when they found out how I was feeling they were hurt and mad and I think they thought I was pretty ungrateful to if I’m honest, It was a kick in the teeth for them I guess……

Also I find it very hard to tell people what I am feeling or why (mostly because I don’t know half the time) I am very good at putting on my smile for other people benefit and pretending I’m fine, I do this for a thousand different reasons but it always turn out the same, there is only so long you can keep it up for… and when you do finally break or give in people are shocked, and hurt because they thought you fine, they don’t understand why all of a sudden your not fine… sometime they fail to see that you haven’t been fine for a long time so I guess that can be hard for people around someone with BPD too, as far as they are concerned it came out of the blue and you could break over the tiniest thing which to them seems absolutely ridiculous

I could go on with a huge list of what causes problems within a relationship with someone who suffers from BPD but if  I’m honest I would be here all day, all you have to do is read all the other criteria to see why this can be a problem and throw that into a mix of the other kinds of people in this world….

I will say of most of this personal to me and people I know with BPD I have tried to use generalized examples from what I have been taught about BPD  also but I cant speak for everybody and if anyone has anything to add, be my guest and if it offends anyone, that was no my intention…. thanks for reading 🙂

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Comments
  1. just somebody that you used to know says:

    I understand now that you understand and now I understand you a little better , thanks 🙂 xxx

  2. […] Difficulty in making and maintaining relationships.. […]

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