Cesspit! 

Posted: September 8, 2015 in Uncategorized

Eyes glazed over with tears that won’t fall, overwhelmed with the doom of my depressive and anxiety provoking state of mind. Sadness and fear run through my whole body, from top to bottom, yet contradictory numb! A stomach full of emptiness. I crave the touch and the attention from the people around me and want to be as far away from them as possible, the cause of this, of course being guilt. I am a burden. My perfect little family, flawed, because me and intolerable moods over shadow all of our innocence, our fun, all trying to carry on as “normal” but dragged down by the persistence of my illnesses, I feel sick. I can barely look at myself, I hate my reflection because I hate myself, or at least this imposter that claims to be me. I have been trapped inside this house for what feels like forever, but that isn’t the issue, I’m trapped, inside my own mind. The negativity the voices in my head spew, control everything I do, tear apart any try or reach to become well again. Any attempt at escaping this torture, in a healthy way, blasted into smithereens, over taken by my inevitable urges. It’s been a while since I have felt this to this extent and right now I don’t feel like it is possible to feel any other way again….. 

People!

Posted: October 25, 2014 in Uncategorized

People, they are the most confusing, emotional, nasty, kind, ugly and the most beautiful creature on earth!

Why? Because evolution made us that way and why did it make us that way? Because without evil we wouldn’t know good, without kindness we wouldn’t know nastiness, without ugliness we wouldn’t know beauty……. And without hate, we wouldn’t know love and if everyone is honest, what is the most important thing in the world? In my opinion….. Love!

Without love how would we know who our families are? Our friends? How should we know who we want to spend our time with? Our lives with?

Anyone who who knows me knows I find people…… Difficult? If that’s the right word? I find it hard to let people in and I find it damn near impossible to let them go once I have! They are confusing, they are untrustworthy, they lie, they cheat, you never quite know what they are actually thinking, you never know if what they are saying actually means what they want you to think it does.

Then there are the people you meet that you never doubt, that you would trust with your lives, I know and have met a lot of people, hundreds, thousands maybe and out of all those people the amount of people I trust whole heartedly I could count on my hand. I always put down my mistrust and wariness to my “issues” but I’m starting to realise that the reason that I trust and love these people is nothing to with me or my disconnected, wrongly wired brain, it’s them. They are just good people! The Jenny’s and the Darren’s and the kevs and sams and  banksy’s and Raines and Brian’s and Mrs b’s and Daves of the world are pure, some of which taken before their time but they’re pure, they love, they show love, they’re honest and beautiful and each and everyone One of them hurt and struggle and you can sometimes see in their eyes and hear it in their voice and you might not speak for months or years even but you know that if you picked up the phone tomorrow asking for thier help they would be there in a shot as I would them!

if I hadn’t met the grown ups who hurt me and neglected me and didn’t love me and show me kindess as a child, would I know how special they are? How precious they are? If I hadnt met the guys who beat me and controlled me, would I know how if these people respected me? If I hadn’t met the people who bullied me and bitched behind my back and let me down time and time again, would I know how reliable these people are, would I trust them? I think the answer without a doubt is no.

I sit here night after night on my own, sometimes desperate and alone, sometimes wanting to hurt myself or even to an extreme…. Die. And do you know why I make it to the next day? Why I have always made it to the next day? Because the world may be full of bad and chaos and evil but it’s also full of experiences and love and respect, the world has people who save you without even knowing it!

My point is that no matter how bleak and how terrible the world looks sometimes, if you try hard enough you can see the beauty and feel the love. So when you’re feeling alone and desperate and thinking about all the people that showed you hate and caused you hurt, always think about those that showed you love and gave you happiness.you may feel like you have never experienced happiness but I’m pretty sure if you dig deep enough you will find a time even if it’s only brief and that is what you have to hold on to!

People say that pain always out weighs the happiness but it doesn’t if you don’t let it!

People are confusing, nasty, ugly and unpredictably emotional but they are also kind and loving and beautiful……. And without the bad we would never see the good!

Love and peace

zo~zo xxx

I sat in that room this morning, as I have done every week for the past 61 weeks and heard the words…… 6 weeks to go. In 7 weeks time I wont be sat in that room, I will never be sat in that room again. My stomach knotted and my chest got tight, my eyes filled with tears, I was scared. What do I do when its all over? I have sat in that room every week for more than a year, learning, changing, laughing, crying. Those walls have heard my deepest feelings, thoughts and fears and in 6 short weeks it’s going to be gone. I’m back out in the big bad world on my own once again and as much as that scares me I have to admit…… I can’t fucking wait.

Because as I sat there this morning and my whole body filled with fear, it dawned on me…. this is the beginning.  I have worked my butt off and done everything I can for what feels like a life time just to get to this point, to get to the point where I am out in the world loving my life without feeling like I’m mental or I need help.

Recently I have tried to put into words so many times, actually how I am feeling and thus far haven’t been able to manage it. Right now my life seems so surreal, I am happy and content more often than I am not and let me tell you previously I have been able to use the word happy on occasion, but content? never. I have never been content, I think contentment has come with acceptance. Sometimes it’s like the old me is on the outside looking in at this brand new person with this brand new zest for life. I come across a problem and nine times out of ten I deal with it effectively. When I do, afterwards I find myself sitting back in shock asking “Did I really just do that?”  I can’t even tell you how many time recently I have said “If that had of happened a year ago, I’d probably be in crisis now.”

It’s like everything is just fitting in to place of it’s own accord, When I said this to my therapist she questioned it….. “What makes you say that zoe?” she said with a slightly knowledgeable look in her eye and smile on her face that was saying I’m am about to prove you wrong, but you know that don’t you? This of course scared me a little, not entirely sure what she was going reply with I nervously explained, and with everything I sad she had a reply as to why its not just ‘coming together’-

My children are so much better behaved-  That’s because you deal with them better, you don’t get as emotional therefore you are able to deal with them in wise mind instead of emotional mind and they will respond better to that.

I met a nice, well rounded guy who usually wouldn’t look twice at me- That is because you are a much more stable person and less vulnerable, the type of man you attracted before were the type that needed a vulnerable person. You can’t control and abuse someone who doesn’t allow you to can you? Also I don’t think that It’s not that the well rounded kind of person you mean wouldn’t look twice at you, It’s that you wouldn’t of noticed before or you would of thought he was taking the mick, even more so you used to think you were undeserving of somebody like that so you never would of given them the chance.

and the list went on….. I’m hardly ever scared to go out anymore, I seem to be as scared of people, I rarely argue with people, I don’t self harm, I haven’t been in crisis for over a year now and she had a reply for everything I said that basically showed me that my life isn’t just coming together my life is going in the direction it is because that’s the way I want it to go, I am in control of myself, I worked for this and now am receiving the rewards.

That doesn’t make it feel any more real though Or less scary for that matter, sometimes I feel lost because right now I am kind of in limbo I have the knowledge of how to make my life even better but don’ quite have all the practical skill to be able to do it right now but that will take some time, i know that and that’s OK. Also in my head, I am still that crazy girl who can’t deal with anything and destroys herself when things go wrong but I’m not that girl,I don’t act like that girl, my head still needs to catch up with me.

My recovery came in stages, I had to nearly die before I decided I didn’t want to die. Which in turn made me have to find an alternative way to to escape my life as it was. I went into DBT wanting to change but the fear of not knowing who I would become was overwhelming. But it was either that or die so of course I went for it. I was confused with all the skills and things that come with DBT I didn’t understand anything and was convinced several times that I was wasting my time and nothing could fix me, I got frustrated at many things that were said and the concept of some of the skill just seemed completely outrageous if I’m honest but again it was that or die so I carried on. Bit by bit I learned new coping mechanisms, I came across a few stumbles and relapsed several times but each time I did I got up faster than the time before and with a larger time period in between each one, each time……. and this is what happened.

Do I still have BPD? yes. But the day I was diagnosed I was given a death sentence, or so I thought…. most of the thing I had read told me it was incurable, that we were the most difficult patients, that we were manipulative and unhelpable. Then I found a lot of people on places like twitter and groups on facebook that told me different, I went to DBT where everyone told me different and I think somewhere deep inside of me I had to refuse that I was incurable but like I have said many times it was cure or die and I didn’t want to die but I couldn’t carry on living my life the way I was. I wouldn’t wish the feeling and thoughts that i had on my worst enemy.

The point to this is we an be helped, we can live our lives the way we want with a little shoved in the right direction and a lot of hark work. Do I believe that to a point I will always live with the problems and the memories and urges that BPD has brought me? absolutely but I am OK with that because I love my life, I love all the people in it, I have two beautiful children that make my heart race every time I look at their faces, although it’s early days I have started a relationship with the type of guy I only ever dreamed of and never thought I could have. I have the most perfect relationship with my parents and I am building for a future that I never in a million years thought I could or would or was able to to have. And brothers and sister that actually act like brothers and sisters and more importantly than any of this is I am terrified of all it but my god am I enjoying it. I am happy and content and so grateful to be alive and looking forward with a massive smile on my face and whether you have BPD or another mental illness or no mental illness at all, in the grand scheme of things, isn’t that what everyone wants?

My life is surreal right now, and I do still find it hard to imagine that it is me writing these words but I am and that makes me the luckiest girl in the world.

thank you for reading and more importantly thank you for those of you that have helped me get to the point that I can write something like this and it be true ❤

much love, Zo-Zo xx

here is a link for a documentary that has recently been  made about BPD, check it out… its very insightful!

http://www.my-borderline-personality-disorder.com/2013/08/BorderBPD-Documentary-watch-online.html

Aside  —  Posted: August 23, 2013 in Uncategorized

I was the little girl who everyone thought had no future, I was the girl who was in care, I was the girl who was abused and neglected, I was the girl who was bullied, I was the girl who at 8 years old had to go to school on a psychiatric unit, I was the girl who had to bang her head off walls to get inside to be warm, I was the girl who had holes in her shoes, I was the girl who looked like a boy, I was the girl who sat in the corner of the playground on her own and cried everyday, I was the girl who at 9 years old tried to jump out of her brothers bedroom window because in that moment she wanted to end it all. I was the girl who was mental.

And then…. I was the teen who everyone thought had no future, I was the teen who lost one of the only people at that time she thought cared about her, I was the teen in care, I was the teen who was pushed out,  I was the teen who was bullied, I was the teen that didn’t wear the “right clothes”  I was the teen who had sex with people just feel close to somebody, I was the teen who drank and took drugs to forget all her worries, I was the teen who cut herself , I was the teen who took took an overdose because she just couldn’t cope anymore, I was the teen that was in abusive relationships, I was the teen who became pregnant. I was the teen who was mental.

And then…. I was the “adult” who thought she had no future, I was the adult who was in abusive relationships, I was the adult who was a single mum, I was the adult  who had sex with people because she couldn’t say no, I was the adult who cut herself, I was the adult who most people looked at funny, I was the adult who had no boundaries, I was the adult who had no self respect, I was the adult who tried her best to be a good mum but never felt good enough, I was the adult who had been trampled on and pulled down so far through out her life that she just didn’t know who she was, I was the adult who was in psychiatric hospital, I was the adult that tried so hard to get her life together but failed at every obstacle and didn’t have any fight left in her, I was the adult who thought every one around her would be better off if she wasn’t around, I was the adult who so desperately wanted to die, I nearly did. I was the adult who was more mental than ever.

And then…. I was a person who didn’t know where her future was heading, I was a person with a diagnoses, I was a person who was validated, I was person who who had more of an understanding why she felt this way, I was person who didn’t have the skills to change it, I was the person who still struggled with suicidal thoughts and with self harm, I was the person who still put herself in vulnerable positions, I was the person who realized she never wanted to die she just wanted to be happy and move on and be able to give her children the future they deserved. I was the person that doubted she was able to have that but hoped. I was the person who wasn’t “mental” I was a person with a mental illness and was on her way to getting help for it.

And now?…… I’m me, I’m still not a hundred percent sure  who that actually is but I know I am not any of the things above, they do not define me, they are not who I am. They are events and feelings, they are the past. I am recovering from a mental illness and beating it, I am recovering from the trauma of my past and letting it all go. I don’t want to die, I want to live. I have determination to create a good life and refuse to be in a position where that could be jeopardized by anybody. I’m no where near where I want to be with my life but it doesn’t feel so impossible anymore…  I have been doing D.B.T for a year and I have that and the support of my family and friends to thank for the place I am in right now. I am a woman who is not abused, I am a woman who does not cut herself, I am a woman who doesn’t need a man to feel good, I am a woman who is a bloody good mother, I am woman who has learnt so much. I am a woman who is happy and content most of the time. I am a woman who is willing to work her butt to the bone to make sure things stay this way and only get better.

I am a woman who DOES have a future!

It sucks….

Posted: April 20, 2013 in Uncategorized

I think everybody at some point sits back , put their hands in the air and says this sucks! (or words to that affect) that is exactly what I’m doing right now, only I’m shouting it as loud as I possibly can with every ounce of sadness, bitterness, anger, loneliness, heartache, head hurt, shame  and anxiety I have inside of me.

I can be as positive and upbeat as the next person, I can sometimes see the positives from the negatives or at least make some up and convince myself they are true. I can wake up in a morning and think about what an amazing future I’m going to have, sometimes I believe it, sometimes I don’t but either way it usually gets me through the day. I’m brilliant at seeing the good in other people and being their rock but not so great at it when it comes to me. I write my blogs and usually towards the end I’ve found something new, profound or inspiring to say….. not today!

Today all I want to say is…This sucks! mental illness sucks, the way I feel sucks, sometimes….. life sucks!

I have cried everyday for at least a week, I have have probably had about 7 hours sleep in as many days, I cant remember the last time I had a shower or brushed my hair (I know, gross) I cant remember the last time I ate a proper meal, I cant remember the last time I smiled a really genuine smile, my house is a mess and I have a pile of washing the size of Kilimanjaro. My daughter has been taken to school by someone else a few times this week and the couple of times I have taken her we have been late. I’ve had numerous panic attacks and passed out twice (that I know of) and a nice little trip to hospital because of this and walked out of hospital… because of this. I’m battling with dangerous urges and impulses on a daily basis (I’m winning). I have knots in my stomach and a lump in my chest that does not seem to want to go away at all, no matter how much I try and make it, or distract myself from it…. I’ts here to stay. I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to see anyone or even talk to anyone….. All I want to do is hide away in a dark room and pretend the rest of the world doesn’t exist…..Instead I do what I can and bluff the rest….. IT SUCKS!

The point of this post isn’t to get people to feel sorry for me or anything like that, quite honestly, right now, I couldn’t give a fuck if you do or you don’t (no offence) …. The point of this post is quite simple, I cant be happy go lucky all the time, no-one can. I can pretend to be (I’m actually really good at pretending) but I don’t want to always pretend, I’m sick of pretending. I want to be able to say I’m not OK without being scared that the men in white coats are waiting for me (They are not always men and they never wear white coats but you know what I mean). I want to not be ok without scaring anyone AND scaring myself. I want to be able to say I’m not OK and that be OK. I want to be able to say I’m not OK without being told that I should snap out of it and focus on the positives in my life… I already know all that shit. I just want to be able to say THIS FUCKING SUCKS! and not feel bad for saying it.

The main point for this post is that people with mental illness, what ever that may be,  they suffer. The whole point in my blogs are to share an honest journey of my recovery in mental illness…. It wouldn’t be very honest if I wasn’t completely honest now would it? This is  the reality of it sometimes and prettying it up is unhelpful.

Also, A few people know I’m not doing great but one of the problems I have is actually saying what is wrong or exactly how I’m feeling, I’m really not a good talker but I can actually do this when I write…..so I guess this is for them too…. It’s better than a Zo-Zo that cries and stumbles over her words and never actually gets out everything she want to say.

I’m sure at some point I’ll be fine as I always end up being but right now, right in this moment…. It sucks.

“I’m doing my best right now but your best can always be better”

Thanks for delving into my misery with me.

Good night.

Zo-Zo xxx

What it’s all About!

Posted: April 15, 2013 in Uncategorized

Welcome to the crazy world of Zo-Zo, I was Diognosed BPD (borderline personality disorder) in March 2011. This Blog will explain My BPD journey…. A brief history, an explanation of BPD medically and personally and my journey up until the present moment…. Also probably quite a bit on DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy) The purpose of this blog is yet to be seen although I hope, even maybe in just a small way i can help someone like me (and it may be good to look back on for me one day)

Anyway I hope u enjoy reading and dont me shy to reply, comment or just say hi 🙂

People with BPD can exhibit problems with impulse control that can manifest as either over-controlled or under-controlled impulses… I personally don’t think I have much experience in over controlled impulses so am not familiar with the problems it can cause but logic tells me that if you over control you’re impulses you probably wont do much, you over analyse everything and when you do that you will probably be faced with quite negative outcomes if you look for the risk or the consequences of an action in TOO much depth you are likely to find some, and analyses doesn’t necessarily mean rational, so in some case you could invent consequences or risks that aren’t actually there . Maybe this is judgmental of me or an uneducated guess but to me if you are the kind of person that over controls your impulses and look for the risks and consequences you probably fear them but to the extent that it prevents you from acting on ANY impulse ….. thus…. you do nothing!  Healthy impulses can be the key to so much within life.

Not controlling your impulses is something I’m very familiar with, although mostly under control now I’ve had my moments and Not having control over your impulses can be very dangerous especially when paired with the other symptoms of BPD e.g- suicide, self harm, substance misuse.

It can cause a lot of distress, although some of the things ill talk about don’t sound huge, they can have such a huge effect on a persons life… for example: Impulsive over spending, you have responsibilities , bills to pay but when you are an impulsive person and you have a wedge of money in your pocket and there is a £70 jacket in a window of a shop you really like, the boring gas bill you are supposed to be paying doesn’t even cross your mind. Obviously if this happens quite often it’s probable you’ll end up in debt which is definitely stressful and will do no good for your mental heath even if you’re a completely stable person, so as you can imagine if you have BPD this can be fairly detrimental. There are so many more examples I could give you of impulsive behavior that may seem trivial but none of it is trivial….

I would like to add that one of the biggest problems I’ve faced with my impulse control is moving house, it’s fairly unimportant to the actual subject but to help you get a feel for some of the things I’m talking about I think the fact that in 6 years I have moved house 15 times and every single time without fail, I made the decision to move and with in 2 days I had found somewhere to go, packed my things and sometimes even left most of them behind and arranged how to move and gone… 2 days! What the hell was I thinking , I hear you ask… I wasn’t! and that’s the point. I’ve gotta say it never really bothered me at the time, the feeling I got from starting again thrilled me but looking back it’s one of the things that made my life very difficult… starting over is hard… starting over 15 times in 6 years is beyond comprehension.

There is a much darker more serious side to the impulses when suffering  B.P.D

I have the perfect example of a dangerous impulse and its not a story I’ve shared with many people but to help you understand the seriousness of what I’m talking about I feel it is necessary.

Acting on impulse nearly killed me.

I had been  on a voluntary admission to a psychiatric ward due to have suicidal thoughts , I think I had been there for about three weeks. I had, had no leave  for this time apart from fifteen minute escorted fag breaks in closed gardens seven times a day, I had not seen my children in this time (not the kind of place you want young children visiting). The ward consultant eventually gave me fifteen minutes un-escorted leave on the hospital grounds, freedom (an obvious indication they thought I was getting better, I thought I was too). I was on my second day of having this ‘privilege’ and had had a visit from a family member who brought me some pictures of my kids I missed them so much, I was overwhelmed with guilt about how I could have such thoughts with two very beautiful children, I just wanted to hold them, I wanted to tell them that everything was going to be o.k and that there mummy was getting better and would be home soon (of course all they knew was their mummy was poorly and in hospital) I just missed them so much, I’d never spent so long away from my kids. When my visit was over, I was emotional and went to go for a fag in the hospital grounds I got outside lit my fag and kept walking. I’d decided I was going to see my children, Obviously not in a great frame of mind as my kids were around fifty miles away and I only had three quid in my pocket (so there’s the first impulsive action) But I didn’t care, all I cared about, all I could think about was seeing my kids so that’s what I did… I just walked, Id done the journey a thousand times in the car so I knew where I was going. How on earth I managed to get lost is beyond me, but I did. The weird thing is Id been where I was multiple times, when I lived in the area I used to go through the same place weekly, but i didn’t recognize a thing, I had no clue where I was… which I think in itself suggests the state of mind I was in. Anyway as soon as I had noticed I was lost, I fell to the ground, tears flooded my eyes…. I was useless, Id failed… what kind of mother cant even find her way to her kids, what kind of mother would be away from her kids in the first place, I was a terrible mum, I was a terrible person… All I wanted was to see my kids and I couldn’t even do that, what a poor excuse of a human being I was, I found a shop and bought two boxes of paracetamol and a packet of razors, A little bit further down the road there was another shop, so I went in and bought another two boxes and a bottle of milk (bearing in mind I had three quid to my name so vodka was out of the question, oh and the thought of finding a bus stop and getting on a bus with this three quid didn’t even cross my mind, I guess that’s how impulses work, you don’t think). I found a wall to sit behind, broke up a razor and started to cut myself, not for suicidal purposes, I guess I just needed it one last time. I emptied all the boxes and placed all sixty two tablets onto the floor in front of me and took them. lots of thing happened during this time none of which are relevant to impulse so I wont glorify it. A guy must have seen me hiding behind the wall as he approached me asking what I had there were nine or ten still lying on the floor in front of me, what I find a little amusing about this is that he was asking with intention of buying, he was a druggy. He must of realized as he got closer what I was actually doing because he walked off, I was so relieved that he left. I was not relieved that the reason he left was to go to the shop and use the phone to call an ambulance, he came back with several people and told me… I panicked and ran, in my panic I must of passed out (this is not unusual for me and was not due to the overdose) I’ll be honest I don’t really remember much after that. I must point out that the time period from leaving the hospital to the man calling the ambulance was around an hour I think, I left the hospital with the idea I was going to see my kids, I got lost, I overdosed, as quick as that, no thought process behind it… no thoughts of consequence, nothing. What comes after, again isn’t relevant either but everyone loves a happy ending, right?  I remember nothing much over the next few days but when I was better I was told that My liver nearly failed and they had a helicopter on standby to take me to a liver specialist unit….. turns out something or someone, somewhere did not want me to die… the doctors had said they had never seen liver levels as high as mine without the person needing a transplant or dying but somehow my body started to responded to treatment and I was left with no permanent damage.

When I left that hospital the purpose wasn’t to kill myself things changed very quickly.

This part me hasn’t gone, it’s still very much there and is just as hard as it ever was but I am pleased to say that with skills of D.B.T and the fact I now over think everything because of this, I have it under control thus far 🙂

thanks for reading

Zo-Zo x